and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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