I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
