She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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