Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
