My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
