I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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