sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
