We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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