the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
