3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
