I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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