If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
3 2 1 whiskey
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.