We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
