I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
