Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You had me at "let me see your balls"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
