Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
