I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My cat gives me a boner
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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