Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
