My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
