we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
