Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
