i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
