Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
