last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
