It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
