P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
