Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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