my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
