I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
