lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
