bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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