Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
