and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
