the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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