I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I smell like Dick and happiness
where are my eyebrows?
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