I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
