I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
