either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
