JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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