If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
