I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
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yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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