If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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