Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
