I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
