wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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