I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so let's talk penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
