New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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