I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We left the knife in your bed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
