well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
