forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i think i have two assholes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
