He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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