Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
