I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
