this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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