The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
