doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Your penis caused this!
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